by Rookie, AllHabs.net

MONTREAL, QC. — I’m sure all of us have a Canadiens fan or two to shop for this Christmas. I already made a list of the gifts I would not like to receive, but that might be considered selfish in this holiday season. After all, it’s better to give than to receive, right?

In some cases, it may not be. There are some things intended for hockey fans that I’d never, ever buy for my friends and family.

A letter opener! How fancy! Now your favourite hockey team can help you open your mail. I wonder if Scott Gomez would be interested in opening my next credit card bill for me? Probably not, so I think I’ll just use whatever’s closest to me the next time I’ve got an envelope to open. Would I spend $20 to give this as a gift? Not unless I know someone who literally has everything, including a paperweight.

Those of you interested in the letter opener may be pleased to know that it’s part of an entire collection of fancy wooden officeware. If you’ve got another $20 to spend on someone who has an air freshener that smells like old books, you might want to invest in this wooden business card holder. Does this gift say “Merry Christmas” or “I think the Canadiens are more important than what’s written on the business cards you give to potential clients”? I’m not sure.

Looking for a stocking stuffer or something for your office gift exchange? Well, for the low price of eleven dollars, you can buy this pen for someone you love. Yes, $11. For a pen. Not a whole package, just the one. Marketing copy on the website that sells this pen doesn’t indicate what the pen is made out of, but I don’t see how it can be any more special than the multitude of Canadiens pens available for less than $10.

I’ve complained a bit about the exaggerated prices of some of these gift items, but this piece of jewelry (apparently not yet available with a Canadiens logo) takes the cake. It’s a toe ring. A 14-karat gold toe ring. For just under $250, you can cheer Toe Habs Toe! Who would spend so much money on a golden toe ring, when they know that the hockey season stretches for a few months during which most fans aren’t wearing sandals? Maybe I’m friends with the wrong people. No one has ever spent triple digits on something for my feet.

Okay, maybe I shouldn’t complain so much about gift items and present you readers with one gift item that’s not so bad. For the little kid with too many toys and no place to put them:

A Canadiens-themed toy chest. It’s nice enough, although I’m sure that someone out there could probably make a more impressive storage unit in bleu-blanc-rouge. What really sold me on it were the product descriptions on this website:

That’s right. Habs fans are “wonderful” and “intelligent.” Leafs fans? I have no idea. Thanks, Montreal Canadiens toy chest!

Happy holidays, Habs fans. I hope you don’t receive any awful gifts, but if you do, I hope they were at least given with the best of intentions.