by Rookie, AllHabs.net

MONTREAL, QC. — There are just a couple of weeks left until Christmas, so I hope those of you celebrating Christmas have already finished buying gifts. And if you haven’t… you might want to. I’ve got a few hockey fans on my list, not to mention the lists I’ve made for Santa Claus. What? He’s totally real!

There are a few gifts I’m hoping I won’t receive, even though I do love Canadiens merchandise:

The marketing copy for this purse literally reads, “Who says baseball caps are only for your head?” I do. Unless, of course, someone out there has made a hat that looks like a handbag.

I have quite the T-shirt collection going, but I’m hoping no one I know decides to buy me this shirt to add to it. I literally burst out laughing when I saw it at the Bell Centre Habs Zone a few weeks ago. I’ll admit that it looks like the kind of thing I might have worn when I was fourteen, but we outgrow our teenage selves for a reason. I have found that reason, and it is a T-shirt depicting an emo girl with Clockwork Orange eye makeup and little blue stars floating out of her head.

I almost feel bad for Alyssa Milano, whose line of women’s sports merchandise is reviled by most of the female sports fans I know. It only takes a T-shirt like this one, though, for me to stop feeling bad and start wondering who would wear something like this. I’m grateful that I haven’t found this thing with a Canadiens logo on it, but unfortunately this design is available for many NHL and NFL teams, so it might just be a matter of time. Call me old-fashioned, but I like wearing shirts that are the same colour on both sides. At least I know Alyssa Milano’s designs can’t get any worse, right?

I spoke too soon. At first, the idea of a fitted kangaroo sweatshirt sounded cute. Elbow patches in the shape of Canadiens logos? Even cuter. Everything else just doesn’t do it for me. Does the front of this sweater really say “Peace Love Hockey”? I’m hoping this isn’t made for women who are old enough to vote. And as much as I love my team’s logo, I don’t need it printed all over my hood like pajama pants. Speaking of which…

Ladies and gentlemen, these are Zubaz pants. I think they’re supposed to be worn as pajama pants, because no one would ever, ever wear these in public unless they really hated society. And yes, I found these on a hockey merchandise website. A brief bit of research indicates that Zubaz pants were popular in the early 1990’s and were designed by weightlifters. Well, now I completely understand why a hockey fan would want to wear them in 2010!

I’m hoping that my loved ones will know better. If you hear any disgusted shrieks coming from eastern Montreal on Christmas morning, go ahead and ask yourself who could possibly have bought me one of these things.