by Laura, All Habs

MONTREAL, QC — Rookie Camp is on, All-Grown-Up Training Camp is about to start, and the Montreal Canadiens open their season in Toronto in a matter of days. Naturally, we are all excited for the puck to drop and for the games to start, but none are more excited than I… for the trash talk.

Smack talk, to me, is one of the best parts of being a fan. I’m not talking about being a drunk idiot and booing your own team’s goaltender or penalty kill unit or equipment guy. I’m talking about witty banter you trade with fans of rival teams (the rival part there is key, don’t get into trash talk contests with your own, cause really, that’s just a stupidity contest) that ends in laughs. Laughs, not broken noses. I said laughs, not broken noses.

If you do it right, you can have a lot of fun, but doing it wrong can leave you with some serious consequences, like a punch in the face. Or jail. Or a fate worse than death. The fate worse than death is also known as ‘being banned from a hockey arena.’

Decent trash talk is usually entertaining, can make you new friends out of rival fans at a bar or arena, and (I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t point out) it can sometimes be all kindsa hot, too. So how do you know whether you’re doing it right? Always keep in mind that it’s all about keeping up a certain level of respect all around:

• If you’re the only one laughing and everyone else is absolutely horrified, you’re probably doing it wrong.
• If the rival team’s fans keep coming back at you with funnier and funnier quips, you’re probably doing it right.
• If you have mentioned anybody’s mother or sister, you are definitely doing it wrong.
• Any parts of anyone’s anatomy get a shoutout? Yep. You’re doing it wrong.
• If you’re at a game and a player chirps back at you with a grin on his face, you’re doing something right.
• If you’re at a game and the player is attempting to beat you to death with a grin on his face, everybody is doing it wrong.
• If you end up going to get a beer after the game with rival fans, you’re doing it right.
• If they pay for it, not only are you doing it right but can you tell me how you orchestrated that?
• If you’ve verbally attacked the physical characteristics of a rival team’s fan, you’re doing it wrong.
• If you’ve verbally attacked the physical characteristics of the opposing team’s uniform, don’t worry, the NHL Store is probably coming up with a way to put pink or glitter on it and make it even uglier.
• Harsh words for someone’s wife or girlfriend? Wrong.
• Harsh words from your wife or girlfriend? You’re probably behaving like a drunken buffoon and it’s time to go home.
• If you get a phone number… yeah that was probably me. Trash talk done right is my absolute weakness. Please give it back and I’ll be on my way, thanks.