by Mike, AllHabs.net
Previously on “The Habs”
Pierre Gauthier: I’m Pierre Gauthier, I’m a douche!
Entire Habs team: I have a reason to want to inflict physical pain on you!
Pierre Gauthier: Oh no! I hope that doesn’t happen!
Entire Habs team:….it might…
Pierre Gauthier: Ouch! I just got hit by a Hockey puck in the head and am now hospitalized!
Entire Habs team: It wasn’t me…but it was one of us…who was it?
Jacques Martin: Is this even a Hockey team anymore?
Entire Habs team: Oh Jacques….HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Opening credits roll!
The scene opens to show the soccer field of the Bell Sports Complex in Brossard. The entire team is
standing in a circle, in the center stand Jeff Halpern and Mathieu Darche…completely clad in detective
clothing from the early 1900s.
Jeff Halpern: So…to sum it all up chaps, one of us is the guilty culprit, one of us is the one that put our GM in the hospital, one of us took that slapshot and directed it at the head of Pierre Gauthier, one of us took our stick struck it against the puck and aimed precisely at the noggin of our General Manager, it was one of us who sent a flying rubber projectile at the cranium of the man who signed and drafted us to the Montreal Canadiens, it was someone in our midst who-
Mathieu Darche: Inspector Halpern?
Jeff Halpern: Yes?
Mathieu Darche: You’re rambling.
Jeff Halpern: Ah, quite right! Good show chap!
Mathieu Darche: Rather.
Scott Gomez: Is it possible that these two are more useless than I am?
Josh Gorges: No.
Scott Gomez: Just checking.
Brian Gionta: You know…one of us is going to be found out anyways…so if whoever did it could just come forward, it would be really great.
Mike Cammalleri: I agree with Captain gets-Crunched-because he’s short.
Brian Gionta: That barely works.
Mike Cammalleri: Barely means it still works. Cammalleri 1, Tiny Tim 0.
*cuts to talking head*
Mike Cammalleri: I have tons of them. *Holds up notebook* My new plan is to slowly wear him down with subtle insults.
*Cuts back to scene*
Brian Gionta: Sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never harm me.
Mike Cammalleri: That can be arranged…
Tomas Plekanec: If watching every episode of Murder she wrote has taught me anything it’s that we have to let the witty aging detective bumble around for 45 minutes before she somehow finds the culprit.
Josh Gorges: That doesn’t sound productive.
Tomas Plekanec: Ok…if MacGyver has taught me anything it’s that one of us has to be held captive and then build some kind of intricate device out of household appliances that will set off a chain reaction to send said person to freedom and then the case will be miraculously solved.
Josh Gorges: Still not good.
Tomas Plekanec: Ok….well if The Ghostbusters have taught me anything it’s that ‘I ain’t ‘fraid of no Ghost’.
Josh Gorges: Well…I’ll settle for that.
Tomas Plekanec: Case closed.
*Cuts to talking head*
Tomas Plekanec: Yeah…I’m awesome. I’m also into cop dramas and semi horror movies these days. Book Em Dan-O! ha!
*Cuts back to scene*
Josh Gorges: Not even close to being closed, but nice that you think so.
Lars Eller: Guys, can we please get on track here! I say we go to the security room and look at the tapes from last night. We’ll be able to see exactly who did it and end this whole debacle!
Brian Gionta: Wow.
Lars Eller: What?
Brian Gionta: I was not expecting you to contribute anything to this situation.
Lars Eller: I think that you’ll find that if I am given a bigger role I will start to contribute more and more.
Scott Gomez: I strongly disagree.
Lars Eller: And I also make like…8 million less than chubs over here.
Scott Gomez: I thought we traded Latendresse…also he did not make as much as me. In fact I think I’m the only one who-Ohhhhhh.
*Cuts to talking head*
Scott Gomez: Do people think I suck? Come on…that’s ridiculous! Right?
*Cuts back to scene*
Hal Gill: Wait…the practice rink has security cameras?
Brian Gionta: Of course it does, why?
Hal Gill: No reason. Also for no reason, there is no need to watch the tapes from the night of November 13th at around 11:39 PM.
P.K. Subban: Well…I’m going to be doing just that as soon as I possible can.
Hal Gill: Oh come on!
P.K. Subban: Sorry, just the way it is.
Hal Gill: You know, Karma is a bitch.
P.K. Subban: Hey! You can’t say that about my dog!
*Cuts to talking head*
P.K. Subban: Yes, I have dog named Karma…and yes…it is a female dog…but I don’t like Hal Gill and I really like messing with him for some reason.
*Cuts back to scene*
Hal Gill: I…I just can’t win.
Mike Cammalleri: I like what Euro Staal has to say. Let’s go to the security room.
The team makes its way to the security room. Everyone leaves except for Halpern and Darche.
Jeff Halper: Pip pip!
Mathieu Darche: Righto.
The team arrives at the security room.
Brian Gionta: Alright, here is the camera hub, let’s see if we can pull it up.
Gionta begins to tinker with the instruments to find the footage from the incident, all of a sudden…the light go out!
Entire team: AAAAAAAAAA!
The lights come back on, the TV is hissing and the image is snowy, the team turns around to find Carey Price lying down on the floor surrounded by red liquid…
Josh Gorges: NOOOOO!!! Careeeeeyyyy! WHY!!! WHYYYYYY!!!!!
The entire team breaks out into screams and cries, out of nowhere, Carey begins to move, he even opens his eyes!
Carey Price: What the hell? Why is everyone crying?
Josh Gorges: OH THANK GOD!!! OH MAN!! YOU’RE ALIVE!
Price gets up.
Carey Price: Of course I’m alive! I just fell and bumped by head, must have passed out.
Josh Gorges: But what about all that blood?
Carey Price: Blood? What blood? Oh you mean my Red Rush Slushie?
He bends down and picks up a slushie cup.
Carey Price: Man I love these things…what a waste.
Brian Gionta: What’s going on with the TV?
Alex Auld: It looks like someone tampered with the equipment…making it impossible for someone to identify the shooter!! OH NO!
Mike Cammalleri: We’re not getting anywhere.
Jaroslav Spacek: Now you know how I feel.
P.K. Subban: Why are we even doing this? It’s obvious who it was!
Andrei Kostitsyn: I know all think me. I have best shot on team. I no guilty. I was thinking about prosteetoots at time of shooting.
P.K. Subban: No, I don’t think it was you…but I DO think it wa-
The lights go out again, loud bangs and crashes can be heard along with a few muffled screams.
The lights come back on, P.K. Subban is missing!
Brian Gionta: P.K.!?!? Where did he go!
Lars Eller: He was kidnapped!
Carey Price: And whoever did it took the rest of my Slushie! NOOOOO!
Tomas Plekanec: Can you say kidnapped if he’s not a kid?
Mike Richards: Oh he’s a kid alright…he’s a kid who needs to learn some manners.
Brian Gionta: What the hell!?!?
Mike Richards: I was just contracted for that one line, I didn’t take him though…I swear. Bye!
Mike Cammalleri: What a tool.
Jaroslav Spacek: Now you know how I feel.
Jeff Halpern: So Pierre Gauthier was shot and when P.K. found out who it was he was taken! This is a dilly of a pickle.
Mathieu Darche: Also, the power keeps going out for no reason.
Jeff Halper: Cor.
Carey Price: Ok, I’m going to investigate the power outages…the rest of you keep on this whole Gauthier situation.
Brian Gionta: Sounds good to me!
Scott Gomez: I don’t know…this seems like an awful lot of work for me.
Mike Cammalleri: You are unreal.
Scott Gomez: Why thank you!
Mike Cammalleri: What’s it like being you?
Scott Gomez: Rich.
Will the Canadiens ever find out who shot Pierre Gauthier?
Will Carey Price find out who took P.K. and keeps shutting out the lights?
Will The Habs beat the Kings tonight?
All of these questions will be answered next week in Part III!!