by Mike, AllHabs.net
Previously on “The Habs.”
Pierre Gauthier: I was hit in the head by a puck. One of the members of the Montreal Canadiens shot me. Yes, I am conscious and yes I do know who shot me…but for the sake of this episode I am going to show up later and dramatically reveal the culprit. The whole team is going to be super hocked to me…they might even emit a collective audible gasp.
Oh and I think some other stuff happened too…I think P.K. went missing, there might be some kind of security tape involved. Anyways I think you should watch again and again to get the full picture..I’m not a very good storyteller.
Opening credits roll!
The scene opens to show Carey Price walking down the deserted corridors of the Bell Sports Complex in Brossard. The area is dimly lit and distant sounds of creaking and banging can be heard. Price walks slowly and stoically…so pretty much he’s acting how he always acts.
Carey Price: Peeeeee Kaaaayyyyy….oh Peeeeeeeeeee Kaaaaaaaaayyyyy. Come out come out wherever you are!
Price rounds a corner.
Carey Price: Peeeeee Kayyyyyyyyyy….PEEEEEEEEEEKAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!!
Where could he be!?
He rounds another corner.
Carey Price: Peeekay? Peeekaaayyyy? This is getting frustrating.
He continues down a long hallway.
Carey Price: Peeekaaay?
All of a sudden a figure looms from behind Carey Price!
P.K. Subban: ‘Sup Pricey?
Carey Price: GAAAAAHHHHH!
P.K. Subban: NNNNYYYYAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!
Carey Price: YOU’RE ALIVE!
P.K. Subban: Yes I am!
Carey Price: I thought whoever shot Gauthier took you when the lights went out!
P.K. Subban: What?! Oh no man, I went to get you another one of these:
He holds out a red Slurpee.
P.K. Subban: I knocked you over when the lights went out and I felt really bad so I ditched out to get you another one…I know how much you like them.
Carey Price: For reals? You’re the best P.K.! I don’t know why everyone hates you.
P.K. Subban: Well, in their defense…I’m a pretty big douchebag on the ice.
Carey Price: Oh you! Triple low five?
P.K. Subban: Triple low five!
They do the triple low five.
Brian Gionta: Oh good he’s alive!
P.K. and Carey turn to find the entire team standing behind them in the hallway.
Carey Price: What the hell! I was supposed to look for P.K. on my own!
Brian Gionta: We felt it was best to keep tabs on you.
Carey Price: Aw come on guys…I’m competent now!
Josh Gorges: We don’t like to take chances.
*cuts to talking head*
Josh Gorges: Mizz Frizzle had it all wrong.
*Cuts back to scene*
P.K. Subban: The important thing is that I’m alive and not hurt in any way.
Mike Cammalleri: But you were never in any real danger…
P.K. Subban: I stand by my comment.
Lars Eller: Well, I guess back to Pierre Gauthier then!
Scott Gomez: Hey…that’s my line!
Lars Eller: Martin gave it to me.
Scott Gomez: What the hell!?
Lars Eller: He also said that you should start getting used to it.
Travis Moen: Stop breaking character!!! It’s the first rule of acting!
Maxime Lapierre: Yeah, because everyone watches Corner Gas.
Travis Moen: I can’t tell if you’re serous or not…but I’m going to assume you’re complimenting me so we can avoid physical confrontation.
Maxim Lapierre: Oh please…we all know I would run and hude before any inkling of a physical confrontation came into play here.
Entire team: True.
Jeff Halpern: I think its best we get back on track here fellows.
Benoit Pouliot: I agree with Glen…I mean Dominic…I mean Jeff.
Andrei Kostitsyn: Dominic alone sound weird.
Brian Gionta: Does everyone realize that we have done absolutely nothing to try and find out who shot Gauthier?
Scott Gomez: Why would we? He’s a dick.
Brian Gionta: That’s true…but we said we would do something.
Scott Gomez: Who follows through on promises these days?
Tomas Plekanec: Me.
Carey Price: Me.
Rest of team: Me.
Scott Gomez: Ok fine BESIDES you.
Lars Eller: You’re making it way too easy for me man.
Scott Gomez: I missed the days where salary dictated my value…not my actual playing ability. That was a great summer.
All of a sudden, a loud bang can be heard in the distance.
Carey Price: What was that?
Mike Cammalleri: I don’t know, but it sounded like two rocks being smashed together while someone was standing on an empty garbage can.
Tomas Plekanec: That was way too specific.
Mike Cammalleri: I have a knack for this kind of thing.
Brian Gionta: Let’s go, but try not to trample me this time, I’m little.
Hal Gill: No promises.
*Cuts to talking head*
Hal Gill: I don’t do it on purpose!
*Cuts back to scene*
The team sprints to the location of the bang…they arrive at the ice rink.
5 minute break while the players put their skates on.
The players get onto the ice.
Brian Gionta: COME ON!!
Brian Gionta enters the rink, he looks trampled.
Hal Gill: My bad.
Mike Cammalleri: I told you!
Standing in front of the team is Jacques Martin standing on an empty garbage can holding two large rocks.
Tomas Plekanec: Damn.
Jacques Martin: Alright, now that you’re all here…I have something to say.
He hops off the garbage can.
Jacques Martin: You guys have wasted so much time trying to find out who shot Pierre Gauthier! Not only that…but you haven’t even done ANYTHING to conclude who did it! You’re the worst detectives I’ve ever seen and if it weren’t for your god given Hockey ability then you probably be working at McDonalds!
Jeff Halpern: Hey I went to Princeton!
Jacques Martin: Never heard of it.
Anyways, can we just forget about this? I’m sure Gauthier will be fine eventually and it doesn’t really matter who shot him…I just want to get back to practice.
Unknown Voice: Oh, I think it matters!
The entire team turns around to find Pierre Gauthier standing behind them. His head is bandaged.
Entire team: GASP!!! Pierre Gauthier!
Gauthier winks at the camera.
Pierre Gauthier: Yes it is I, Pierre Gauthier, the General Manager of the Montreal Canadiens.
Mike Cammalleri: We know who you are.
Brian Gionta: I think he has brain damage.
Scott Gomez: Well, more than before anyways.
Pierre Gauthier: SILENCE! I have returned on the eve of this day to tell you all that I know who shot me with the puck!
Entire team: Alright I admit it!
Entire team: What?
Entire team: What!?!?!?
Pierre Gauthier: HA-HA-HAAAAAA!
It was all of you!
All of you took the shot at the exact same time, and in some weird cosmic coincidence…the pucks melted together and hit me in the head!
Mike Cammalleri: That makes little to no sense.
Carey Price: It doesn’t have to its TV.
Pierre Gauthier: So, all of you are guilty! As punishment, I have arranged to trade all of you to Florida for the entire team! HA-HA-HA-HA!!!!
P.K. Subban: You mean…we’re all going to Florida?
Mike Cammalleri: And we get to stay a team?
Brian Gionta: And we get to be away from you?
Lars Eller: And we get to live in Flroida?!?!
Pierre Gauthier: Yes to all of those questions.
Entire team: YEAH!! WHOO HOOO ALRIGHT VARIOUS CELEBRATORY SOUNDS!
Pierre Gauthier: Not the reaction I was expecting.
Jacques Martin: Shut up Pierre.
End Credits Roll!
BONUS SCENE!
P.K. Subban can be seen walking into the security room that the Habs were snooping around in during Part 2. He snoops around for a bit before clapping his hands in delight and pulling out a CD labeled ‘November 13th’He inserts the disc into the console and fast forwards to around 11:39 PM.
Hal Gill can be seen at center ice, behind him is a beautiful sports car.
P.K. Subban: What the hell?! MY CAR!
Hal Gill waves at the camera before lighting the car on fire and running for dear life.
P.K. Subban: WHAT THE HELL!?!? ON NO!! MY BABY!!!
The car burns and burns until it finally explodes.
P.K. Subban: Well, at least we know how my car ended up exploded in the middle of the practice rink…but OH MY GOD MY CAR!!!! HAL YOU BASTARD….YOU’LL PAY FOR THIS!!!!
Fade.