by Mike, AllHabs.net
The scene opens to show the faces of Benoit Pouliot, Brian Gionta and Scott Gomez. They are sitting side by side in some kind of office and are in the midst of a heated conversation.
Brian Gionta: I don’t care how much you make; we still need to be producing.
Scott Gomez: But I’m so rich…I don’t need to work another day for the rest of my life!
Brian Gionta: People usually use that expression after they’ve won the lottery or retire with a big pension plan…not in the middle of their career.
Scott Gomez: My contract is so large. I think I make more than Bettman.
Brian Gionta: I don’t care! The fans don’t care! We need you to start producing!
Scott Gomez: Oh yeah, coming from ‘Captain One Goal’ over here. What’s your excuse?
Brian Gionta: I’m really short…it’s credible!
Scott Gomez: I’m short too! I’m short too! I want to change my excuse from really rich to really short…cool?
Brian Gionta: No! It’s not cool! Regardless of excuses the fact is that we need to get on the right track!
Benoit Pouliot: Can I interject here for one second? My experience has led me to believe that if you play really bad for like 3 years you will get traded and then be good for about 15 games at which point the cycle starts over again.
Scott Gomez: Shut up.
Benoit Pouliot: Yes sir.
Brian Gionta: I try my best out there, I use all my sneaky crouching to try and get around the defenseman on the rush-
Scott Gomez: And lord knows I can weave through the neutral zone like some kind of…sperm.
Brian Gionta: I mean we’re superstars! We have cup experience!
Scott Gomez: I won a Calder trophy!
Benoit Pouliot: So did Andrew Raycroft.
Scott Gomez and Brian Gionta: Shut up.
Benoit Pouliot: Yes sirs.
Brian Gionta: So what can it be? Why are we so cold?
Benoit Pouliot: I don’t even know why I’m here, I’m barely on your line anymore.
Brian Gionta: Well, I know who knows.
Benoit Pouliot: Who?
Brian Gionta: These guys *pointing off camera*
The camera pans out to reveal Jacques Martin and Andrei Kostitsyn staring in awe at the conversation unfolding before them.
Jacques Martin: You guys are something else…I brought you here to get some advice from Andrei because of his hot start…you guys have been bickering for about 45 minutes and haven’t let Andrei say a word.
Scott Gomez: Ok fine…we’ll play along, how do you do it Andrei?
Andrei shifts in his seat, looks at all three men in front of him, looks to Martin on his right sighs deeply, yawns and finally begins to speak.
Andrei Kostitsyn: Andrei shoot puck.
Brian Gionta: Jesus Christ.
*Cuts to opening credits.*
The scene opens to show the Canadiens on the ice practicing before their game with the Phoenix Coyotes. Brian Gionta is working with Mike Cammalleri and a few other players on breakouts. Everyone seems to be in great spirits.
*Cuts to talking head*
Mike Cammalleri: Yeah I decided to bury the hatchet with Gionta about the whole Captaincy thing. Not because every single attempt at his life was a failure but because I realized that being Captain isn’t everything. It also helps that I have way more points than he does.
*Cuts back to scene*
The players continue their drills, after a few seconds a call comes from across the rink.
Kirk Muller: BRIAN! Stop with the drills, I need you over here to practice ceremonial face-offs, those pucks aren’t going to sweep themselves back and you need to work on your handshake and smile!
Brian shrugs and smiles sheepishly, he skates over to the far side of the rink. The camera pans over to Mike Cammalleri who looks mutinous.
*Cuts to talking head*
Mike Cammalleri: Have you seen this face? It should be me winning those ceremonial face-offs! That bitch is going down.
*Cuts back to scene*
The camera focuses on Carey Price, P.K. Subban and Josh Gorges.
Josh Gorges: Ok, I know we’ve done it a few times but I want to make sure you have it down.
Carey Price: Aw come on…we’ve done it a thousand times.
P.K. Subban: We have not done it even close to that amount of times.
Carey Price: B-but Walker Texas Ranger is on soon!
Josh Gorges: Is that show even on?
Carey Price: It is on the Country Western Network that I founded and choose to only broadcast in my house.
P.K. Subban: Can we please get this over with? I have many pranks to pull on Hal Gill.
*Cuts to talking head*
P.K. Subban: It never stops being funny. I can’t help myself.
*Cuts to another talking head*
Hal Gill: I’m going to get him sooner or later…I’m cooking something up.
*cuts back to scene*
Carey Price: Ok fine, let’s do it.
Josh Gorges: Ok…one…two…three…go!
Carey Price and P.K. Subban begin to perform a complicated handshake. 30 seconds in Carey Price messes up.
P.K. Subban: COME ON CAREY! Eveeryone knows it’s ‘snap snap twist snap double loop backflip snap clap clap clap clap electric slide macarena snap clap-
Carey Price: I know I know but it’s too hard!
Josh Gorges: Screw this, just go back to the three slaps.
P.K. Subban: Done. Peace.
*Cuts to the Habs locker room*
Hal Gill is seen hovering over a locker, in his hand is some kind of spray can. He is carefully picking up the equipment in the locker and spraying it with the contents of the can. He notices the camera and explains his antics.
Hal Gill: Ah, well as you can see I finally have the chance to pull a prank on P.K. He’s in the shower right now and I’m using this can of super adhesive epoxy to glue his equipment to his locker. He’s going to be so pissed! I can’t wait to laugh in his face!
Gill finishes up with his prank and sneaks out of the locker room.
A few seconds later P.K. Subban enters through a different door. He walks into the room and heads over to his locker. He snickers a bit and pulls the name plate off the top of the locker to reveal that one reading ‘Hal Gill’ was hidden underneath.
P.K. Subban: He’s not the brightest.
*End Credits roll!*