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SATIRE | ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas in Habsland

By J.D. Lagrange, Senior Writer, All Habs Hockey Magazine

What better than a Christmas story at this time of year… even for Habs’ fans going through a rougher stretch.

PENTICTON, BC. –

Twas the night before Christmas, when at the Bell Centre
Not a soul was stirring, not even a trainer.
The jerseys were hung by the lockers with care,
In hopes that the stink soon wouldn’t be there.

The players were resting while clearing their heads,
While visions of wins made them wet their beds.
The sign “NO EXCUSES”, printed in all Caps,
Still hangs in the room serving as a road map.

When out in the media there arose such a clatter,
All sprang to the wed to see what was the matter.
Coming from out west it flew like a flash,
Another damned rumour to throw in the trash.

The Flyers traded Simmonds, little did they know
It is ‘a done deal’, some claimed in their glow.
When, what to our wondering eyes should appear,
But people offering Chucky, they are drunk on beer.

With a little ol’ coach, so hated although Canadien,
We knew in a moment it must be Therrien.
In a broken English he had planned his game,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!

“Now Subby! now, Marky! now, Pacioretty and DD!
On, Petry! On, Pricy! on, on Gally and Chucky!
To the top of the division! to the top of the standings!
Now have a vision! Improve our rankings!”

Supported by Bergevin his fashion on the fly,
Therrien’s job is safe, even if fans cry.
They’ll turn things around by winning a few,
With Zamboni full of joy, and Therrien too.

And then, in a twinkling, there will be a trade,
While not unanimous, it will be an upgrade.
Just forget the rumours, forget the hearsay,
They’re toying with you, like a cat with its prey.

Whether it’s Simmonds, Johansen or Stamkos,
It’s bound to cost more than a box of Mentos.
When the dust settles, all fans will be back,
On the bandwagon they’ll go just like a wolfpack.

Price will spring to his net, to his team give a whistle,
And away they will fly like the down of a thistle.
And Therrien will exclaim, on their way to the Cup,
“Happy Hockey to all, and to all a good fight!”

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