Written by Craig “Frenchie” McFarlane, Special to AllHabs.net

TORONTO, ON. — Since Monday at noon all I’ve seen on TV is people crying uncontrollably, inconsolable non-stop flowing tears of despair, cries of misery and eternal hopelessness!! For a brief moment or two I wasn’t sure if I was watching those official mourners of the late Kim Jong (*Mentally?”) ill, or those professional crybabies and whiners of Imperatif Francais and La Ligue Quebecoise Contre la Francophobie Canadienne (aka. LLQCLFC) Tabernooche! Not even Rue Sesame has that many alphabet letters! And, all this over the hiring of a “tete corre” coach for Les Habs (i.e. “interim coach”?) Hmmmm, wonder who their “premiere choix” would be? perhaps the son of Kim Jong ill? Ya know, his name Kim Jong “Un” sounds “Francophone”, n’est-ce-pas?

Imperatif Francais is calling for a boycott of Molson products! “Pas de Hex! pas de Canadian! pas de Coors Leger! Now we hear that the pressure has got to La Famille Molson, and now Le Centre de Bell will not be selling any Molson Canadian beer, only Molson EX and Molson EX-Canadian!! And, guess who has got his “deux cents” in now? Yes, the venerable La Presse commentator Rejean Tremblay (“Rejean’s Diatribes Speciale”?) He states that the organization (Club de Hockey Canadienne) has “systematically eradicated” top level French Canadian talent!! Maybe La Gazette’s Jack Todd was right when he said last week that he would like to cop an ounce of the stuff that GM Pierre Gauthier (“Bob Lite”) was toking when he made the Kaberle deal?

Well, Jack, methinks that Monsieur Tremblay & Le LLQCLFC beat ya to it!! Now, I want a pound of that stuff, eh? I’ll even take a VIA RAIL ride into Montreal to get it.

Just where did Monsieur Tremblay learn his trade? The Karl Rove Institute? Allo Police? PQ? FLQ? ADQ? BAIS MON Q? That’s it! no more 3-Etoiles selection gigs for you, mon frere. Now,I don’t wanna start mincing numbers, but out of the 24 Coupe Stanleys Les Habs have won, 16 were with those, yes, those dreaded Anglophone coaches, eight with Toe Blake, three with Dick Irvin Sr. and five more with Scotty!! Fais le math, mon chum!! Who the *&^% cares what language the coach speaks? Would Monsieur Tremblay et gang have also vetoed the genius CCCP coach Viktor Tikonov in his prime if he had been available? Pense pas, Ti-Gars!!

The real victim here is not the Quebecoise people, not the Quebecoise culture, maybe not even the fans (both Francophones, Anglophones and Allophones.) The real victim is “interim coach” Randy “Dandy Randy” Cunneyworth. His rights (in Charter of Rights & Freedoms) are without a doubt being totally violated right now, and any good Montreal lawyer can see a “bigggggg payday” in the near future, whether he wins a Coupe Stanley, or not. By the way, Coach Cunneyworth (yeah, I just said it, “Coach” Cunneyworth, and good for me!) played 16 seasons in NHL, and scored 414 points, only The Rocket, The Pocket-Rocket, Le Gros Bill, Guy, Shutt, Howie Morenz, Le Roadrunner and maybe a few others have more points.

So, who do the above-mentioned “coaching experts” think would be a good, hockey-knowledgeable and of course, Francais-speaking candidate to replace Coach Cunneyworth? There is a short list, let’s start with former NHL coach, Bob Hartley of Hawkesbury, Ontario. What? Ontario? Quelle horreure!!
What? He’s Franco-Ontarien? Well, okay, but he better change his name to like “Robert Artley”, eh? (drop le “h” in Hartley too, eh?)

2: Paul Maurice? Bais, non, il parle Francais de Sudbury, worse than Hawkesbury!

3: Michel Therrien? Non, he’s still taking anger management courses with Jack Nicholson, not available.

4: Patrick Roy? Non, he’s much too volatile, and he would demand that Les Habs give his son a “goalie consultant” gig with the organization. And, we all know that the “huge” Montreal Anglo media gang would demand permission to start calling him “Paddy King”, eh?

5: Al MacNeil? Awww, reste tranquille, Monsieur Tremblay, je suis kidding, eh?

6: Guy Boucher? He does NOT want the gig! Besides he knows that the Habs fans would boo him outa town with that boring 1-3-1 trap strategy! Why, even Herman Cain’s 9-9-9 is more entertaining than that!

But wait, fellow Hab Nationites, here comes the Quebec Government Ministre de Culture: “Here we come to save the day, it’s mean that le “Gouvernenenenement” of Jean Charet is on its way, on the sea or on the land, we got de situation well in hand. ” Yeah, right, like ya got the horrible economy in hand, like ya got the unemployment well in hand, like the infrastructure well in hand, like the Mafia Construction thing well in hand, etc. Can you say “pandering for Separatiste votes?” That’s votes in the next election where Pee-Wee Herman would have a better chance of winning than you, Monsieur Charest!

Here’s my solution for this expertly manufactured Habs coaching crisis, albeit a satirical one, eh? In order to help Coach Cunneyworth improve his Francais to a passable one (answer questions from La Media Quebecoise, etc.) we get him to “hang out” at La Chez Paree “Ballet” and maybe practice his Francais by “negotiating” avec les danceuse exotique de lap. Ca c’est un bon idea?

Merci, you’re welcome.