Written by Craig “Frenchie” McFarlane, Special to AllHabs.net
TORONTO, ON. — So, fellow Hab Nationites, how do ya like “month of December” so far? Month of “Movember” ended horribly, n’est-ce-pas? Losing to the Ducks 4-1. The latter’s first win in, what? 7-8 games? Second win in what? 15 games?
Now, I don’t wanna sound mean here, but with due respect to the late (? really? anyone got real proof?) and great Elvis Presley who once sang “Don’t be Cruel”, all I can say about that loss to the Ducks is this headline: “DUCKS WHACK SCHMUCKS”!!!! Let me know if you think I am being “too cruel”, will ya?
I had to watch, uhhhh, actually, follow Les Habs on espn.com while at same time watching the Leafs on TV almost take Boston……almost. It was then that I realized that it is a good thing we in Southern Ontario are NOT on the TSN Habs network for over 30 games……..that’s capital punishment, especially watching that power-play go “ofer”!! (i.e. 0 for 7!! Is that a Power Play? or a “Sour Play”?)
When they arrive in Los Angeles on Saturday maybe they should do the “pilgrimage thing” at TV Evangelist Robert Schuller’s Crystal Cathedral in Garden Grove and pray for some help on their power-play? Hey! miracles do happen, ya know; just look at the Leafs, they are 14-9 with a healthy 25 per cent plus success rate on the power-play. Yes, the Leafs!!! Encroyable!!
So, what’s “Bob Lite” gonna do now? fire Perry Pearn……again, this time from his scouting gig with Les Habs? But, don’t despair mes chums, “Monsieur Sominex” Martin did say after the game there were some, uhhhh…….”positives”: he took from the 4-1 loss.
- “My” defensive system allowed only four goals tonite vs the Ducks……that’s “correctemente”, Jacques, maybe that’s why your defensive system garnered a grand total of, get this, three shots on goal in third period vs. Ducks!! Even the AFLAC Ducks got six or seven shots against the Coyotes last week!!!
- “Positive” No. 2 Jacques? “We outplayed them in the first period”!
- “Positive” No. 3 Jacques? Well, as the late, great Gilda Radner (in her SNL Emily Latula character) would say: “NEVER MIND”!!!!!
Some of the players chipped in with some “negatives”……what? negatives? Hal Gill said: “we have to play with a little more urgency”! Hey Hal! how ’bout you start taking some sledge hockey lessons…….ya know, to maybe pick up a K or 2 in your skating speed?
Does Le Nation d’ Abs/The Hab Nation know that Hal Gill shares the NHL record with former Leaf Brad Marsh as the slowest skater of all time in NHL? How slow is he? I hear some of you asking? Gill is so slow that he and Marsh are the only two guys in NHL to get a “delay of game” penalty………on a *&^%$#@ PENALTY SHOT!!!!!!
Jacques, you’ve “lost the room”!! They’ve “dialed you out!! Not only lost the room, but also the map to get there, and the keys to get inside the room!! It’s just like when ya make a phone call and the Bell operator’s recorded voice tells you: “Je regrette mais Il n’ya pas de service pour la numero vous-avez composez……I’m sorry, but dere is no service for de number dat you have decompose”!!
What does Jacques have to do to get fired? lose to the L.A. Clippers?
Don’t we all feel sorry for Louis Leblanc coming into this mess? We read that he was on his way to a “Guns ‘n Roses” concert when he got the call to join Les Habs……..No Guns ‘n Roses, Louis? pas probleme! bievenue a “Puns ‘n Poses” Spectak, Louis!!! Even Hamilton is better than this, eh, mon vieux?
Too bad the Cubs signed David De”Jesus” yesterday; Les Habs mgmt. could possibly ask him for some “Divine” intercession…….ya know, just in case Rev. Schuller flunks out on their prayer requests?
Has anyone seen Leaf coach Wilson and his BFF, Iatollah/GM/Pres for Life Brian Burkie with their silver “Movember” mustaches? They look just like those two old geezers/hecklers Statler and Hilton from The Muppets Show!!
The Leafs’ majority owners have decided to take the For Sale off, they’ve already had “sniffs” of that 2012 playoff revenue……approx. $2.5M per game…….and that does not even include those $18 draft beers (hey! my “Body on Tap” 1/3 beer shampoo is stronger, eh?) $12 hot dogs, $10 Polar Bear ice-cream bars, $9 popcorn, and if your’re wondering, no, they have not yet discovered la poutine; ca c’est un grand shame, eh?
What? ya want yet more Leaf news? How bout historic Maple Leaf Gardens turning into a Loblaw’s supermarket? Tabernooche!! It was the lead item in the CTV and CBC National News last nite!! Their 11 Stanley Cup pennants were in full view (what? only 11? what about the one from “1867”? no, I’m sorry, that was from “1967”, correctemente?)
I like to tell the Leaf Nationites that the real reason Les Habs moved from the old Forum to the new Centre de Bell was that The Forum was simply running out of room for all those Habs’ Stanley Cup/Coupe Stanley pennants and retired Hall of Fame Habs’ numbers!!! Now that pisses them off, eh? Loblaw’s even had some Leaf “Specials” for the opening: bananas (green ones, I guess, in envy of Les Habs’ 24 StanleyCups?) Some “crow” specials, ya know just in case they need something to eat come June 2012 and the Parade is cancelled? And, of course, beaucoup de “turkeys”, eh?
For the coup de grace they actually booked former Leaf tough guy Tie Domi to show up and punch the Pillsbury Dough Boy in the gut!!! “ohhhhhh! ouuuuuu! hoo-hoo-hoo!! As I write this post Les Habs game is on my computer, so I will say “au reservoir” for tonite, and let me say that if Les Habs do manage to defeat the Sharks tonite, then please disregard all of the above negative “observations”, SVP?
Your correspondent Craig “Frenchie” McFarlane is a professional comedian/slash/comedy writer/slash/producer/slash/after-dinner speaker (end of slashes, and it’s about time!!) “Frenchie” also runs The Comedy Pro Shop Agency in Toronto and is available along with his top comedy pals for all “live” events, golf tournaments, sports celeb. dinners, roasts, corp. Xmas parties, etc……(www.frenchiemcfarlane.bravehost.com)