Written by Craig “Frenchie” McFarlane, Special to AllHabs.net
TORONTO, ON. — Sorry to say this, but methinks that my opinion of the Komrade “Stall”kov (I mean Markov!) will be a lot different from that of my All Habs colleagues. Ya see, I still have not forgiven him for skipping paid (by Les Habs) games just before 2010 Winter Olympics, feigning injury (yes, to one of his knees again) so that he could practice with his Russian Olympic teammates. “SURRRRRRRPRISE! SURRRRRRRRPRISE! SURRRRRRRRPRISE”!! (it sounds funnier if ya can do the “Gomer Pyle” impression.)
Am I the only Hab Nationite who is getting the suspicion that he is only stalling Les Habs so that he can be truly ready to play for his CCCP (Cold, Creepy Commie Putzes”?) hockey team in the 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics………in guess where? Russia, that’s where!! And! worst of all, this egg gets to keep all of the $15M plus that “Bob Lite” gave him last summer! Too soon to call him a “maudit voleur”?
Enough of this never-ending dreck already, let’s simply get him up to St. Joseph’s Oratoire on the mountain and purchase a new knee for him; ca c’est correcte mes chums? I’m sure that his pal, “Brother Andrei” (Kostitsyn, that is) will put in a couple of bon mots for him? And, if that doesn’t work, there’s always those “miracle guys” on Sunday morning TV? “Dr” Peter Popoff? “Dr.” Ernest Angley? Does Jerry Lee Lewis’ cousin, “Rev.” Jimmy Swaggart do miracles, or just cry on cue?
Ya know, sometimes I get the feeling that Habs’ club doctors, Dr. Andrews and Dr. Mulder sometimes get the pre-prognosis “instructions” from “Dr. Bob Lite”? Sometimes I get the feeling that we’re getting our medical info from Dr. “Julie” Andrews, and Dr. Fox Mulder (of the Molson EX Files?) Why don’t we send him to other doctors (i.e. second & third opinions) like Dr.Phil? (that’s Dr. :Phil McGraw, not Dr. :Phil Esposito, eh?) or maybe even Dr. Ruth? Nawwww………..I hear that she’s totally incompetent right now, hasn’t been the same since her late hubby, Babe Ruth passed away, eh?
Soooooo………now they are telling us that he has undergone art-throscopic surgery, ya know to get rid of the “debris”? Hey, ya wanna save some shekels on the med. bills, boys? Clean the debris with the Molson Centre Zamboni!! Art-hroscopic? as compared to what? Art Carney? Art Ross? Ya wanna stop the “swelling”? Stop injecting his cartilage with Viagra and Cialis, eh? Or, as “Dr. Bob Lite” explains: “just a simple procedure”! Hey! what’s another 3-4 weeks now after what? 104 weeks since he last played?
Wasn’t Grapes totally in all his glory last Saturday night with his “beloved” Bruins (he won coach of the year with them, eh? were ya all aware of that? well,were ya?) and they were playing his “truly beloved” Trawna Maple Leafs……..now that’s a truly beloved Big O for him, eh? His only dilemna was whether he’d wear this Bruins P.J.’s or Leafs P.J.’s for bedtime. But then, on the other hand, maybe he does wear those “quad-breasted” Don Corleone suits with the 22″ Elvis collars, (22″ collars? wow! no wonder he’s got such a “redneck”, eh?) plus those combo Donald Duck/Daffy Duck/Foghorn Cleghorn 14″ width ties……..to bed every night?
This just in……a Calgary rumour for yas: the GM will deal Jarome for the right price…and he just lusts after P.K., Desharnais, 1st. round pick in 2012 draft & 2nd. round pick in 2013 draft, so if “Bob Lite” wants to get fleeced again, call Flames GM Feaster for submission instructions. Don’t do it, “Bob Lite”, don’t do it! Jarome is T-O-A-S-T!!! ya got it? T-O-A-S-T!!!! Fugged-a-bout-it!! His skating legs are like a “pair of toast”, side by each, together, parallel, over, fini, passe, his best due date was 2008!! And, he also wants $15M…..for only next 2 yrs.!!! St. Josephe de chien-chaud avec patate!!
And, or course, what would an All Habs Laugh Lines blog be without some Leaf schtick, eh? Albeit they did win on Monday vs the Rangers, and they practiced Sunday in N.Y. in the Trump rink in Central Park…..geez ya figure Trump made them all show their (long form) passports, birth certificates and “proof of conception” before allowing them on the rink? If I had been on the ice I would have fired a slap-shot at that living mammal on his scalp; what is it anyway? a muskrat? a furry N.Y. rat? a Manitoba prairie dog? do our readers have any suggestions as to what it is?
A very nice piece of PR by Leafs Iatollah Burke by bringin along all the Leafs’ players’ dads on this road trip to Boston & N.Y. You will notice that Montreal will never again be on the destination list for Leaf dads……..the last time they did that they lost 7-8 dads at La Chez Paree, 5-6 more at Winnie’s, and at least 3-4 of ’em are still driving around Montreal with a Haitian cabbie searching for Le Centre de Bell!!!!!
PS: this just in………Matthew Barnaby busted for DUI, refusing a breathlyzer test, and driving on only 3 tires. He explained the tires situation in his best Dudley Moore “Arthur” voice: “Hic! hic! burp! burp! 3 tires? are, are, are you kidding? with, with, with these eyes, I, I, I can, can, can see 6 tires”!!!
Your correspondent Craig “Frenchie” McFarlane is a professional comedian/slash/comedy writer/slash/producer/slash/after-dinner speaker (end of slashes, and it’s about time!!) “Frenchie” also runs The Comedy Pro Shop Agency in Toronto and is available along with his top comedy pals for all “live” events, golf tournaments, sports celeb. dinners, roasts, corp. Xmas parties, etc……(www.frenchiemcfarlane.bravehost.com)
