by Rookie, AllHabs.net

MONTREAL, QC. — Wait, they did what?!

What did Jaroslav Spacek ever do, to deserve such a fate as this? A trade to Carolina, one of the only teams doing worse than the Canadiens, except at least they have Kirk Muller?

And Montreal gets Tomas Kaberle? REALLY? Does Pierre Gauthier remember who the guy used to play for? Maybe he doesn’t have such a great memory. This is why I never trust vegetarians.

I mean, honestly, he’s played for both of our biggest rivals. This is like Glen Metropolit all over again. Yeah, sure, Metro eventually won me over by being such a nice guy and by playing his role really well, but still. Irrelevant.

We’ve got Leafs and Bruins fans laughing at us. Usually, when they laugh at us, they’re just saying something borderline offensive about P.K. Subban, and I can brush it off as boorish sports fan stupidity. But this is different. This is like how my Penguins fan cousin laughed for days when the Canadiens signed Hal Gill. Except that Hal Gill is the reason why this team kills penalties, and I love all nine feet of him.

I couldn’t even look at Kaberle during Saturday’s game against the Devils. It was unsettling, like seeing a Slytherin trying on Gryffindor robes. And he was wearing number 22. That number belongs to Paul Mara. How dare he steal it?

And who does he think he is, getting two points in his first game? Doesn’t he know he’s supposed to apologize to Habs fans for his past transgressions, have two bad games so that we still have a bit of a Kaberle hate buffer zone, then make the team better and rack up points? Seriously, who does this guy think he is? And does he really think that two points will be enough to change my mind? If he was really dedicated to his new team, he’d have a four-point game and send a basket of muffins to my office with a hand-written note.

But I’m pretty sure that I won’t be getting any baked goods delivered to me, so Kaberle is a dud. This trade was useless.