Written by Craig “Frenchie” McFarlane, Special to AllHabs.net

TORONTO, ON. — Lars Eller? Who knew? Four goals and one assist! Five points already! “No-Go” Gomez doesn’t do that in two seasons! And at $15 million to boot!! All those TSN close-ups had me confused; who is it? A very young Ryan O’Neal? Reality TV “star” Spencer Montag of Spencer and Heidi? Ricky Schroeder? or……I got it! the Pablum box baby, all grown up!!

And, the fourth goal was a “Spineramma” move on a penalty shot! Quelle spin! Even “Bob Lite” and Les Habs PR Department can’t “spin” like that (i.e. the coach Cunneyworth hiring and soon-to-be “au reservoir!”) Oh yeah, Les Habs also won, 7-3 (cue in SFX “standing ovulation”) vs The Jets……..uhhhh……or was it the Blue Bombers?

Time for an appropo nickname for Lars? “OLE BLUE EYES?” We already have “The Golden Jet” and “The Golden Brett,” so why not “THE GOLDEN DANISH?” Or how bout “THE COPENHAGEN HOWITZER?” “LARS FROM MARS?” “THE GREAT DANE?” Why, even Lou Marsh whiner……I mean winner, Patrick Chan was amazed at his “spinnerama” move, and wants some tips from Lars for his quad routine. And, “No-Go” Gomez wants to use some of Lars’ moves for his ongoing five-year “fraud” routine! (If our AllHabs.net subscribers have some suggestions, please submit?)

Isn’t it amazing what some honest effort and hard work can do for ya? Right, “Calamarri?” Right, Pacioretti? Right most of current team? Take a hint from “Cab Calloway”………I mean “Kab” Kaberle! Even he “dented the twine” vs. the Jets, albeit first one in what? 49 games? Guess “ol Kab” felt that he scored really big when he got out of Toronto? Maybe same way Colton (“not Bobby,” eh?) Orr feels today after being released by Leafs Iatollah Burke?

Hey there “Bob Lite!” Think about it, maybe some “Sememko/McSorley” bodyguard duty for Colton re “Lucky Lars”? Might even make things easier for “the Smurfs” too? What’s to lose now, garcons? We can’t depend all the time on Hal “The Thrill” Gill to take care of our pugilistic duties, can we? (snicker, sneer) I’ve seen “tougher” steaks at Schwartz’s and Magnon’s!!

Wasn’t that a “Grande Spectak” this week at the “Bob Lite” press conference where he threw coach Cunneyworth a 4-5 month bone? I was expecting La Brass-erie Molson to introduce a new lite beer? Ya know, like the “Bob Lite?” It’s 1/3 less of regular calories, and 2/3 less of regular common sense! Some reports outa Montreal had HBO boxing commentator Larry Merchant at the press conference, so some of us figured “Bob Lite” was to announce a “return bout” of P.K. and Pleks. All that was missing from this “event” was legendary ring announcer Michael Buffer with his official intro of “Bob Lite”: “UHHHH………L-L-L-L-ET’S GET R-R-R-R-R-EADY TO “FUMMMMMMBLE”!!!!!!!

Too bad “Bob Lite” did not address the problem of Les Habs five blown leads this season so far; not even the Clinton White House had that many “blown leads” in 8 years. One surmises that if Les Habs were a US College Football team, they would not be invited to the “Insight” Bowl, nor the “Compass” Bowl, not even “The Famous Idaho Patate Bowl”!! “What’s in your wallet, “Bob Lite?” Les Habs are only 6 points behind Leafs, but the Leafs seem to miss being lower in the standings, don’t they? They had a horrible December and their penalty-kill is the worst in the league. Hope MLSE remembers that big fine they and the Raptors got a couple of years ago from the Ontario Real Estate Board? Ya know, the fine for having two tenants in the “same basement”?

Sad day for all of us at the WJC after losing 6-5 in semi-final, wasn’t it? We were behind 6-1 and almost tied it up….two goal posts and a muffed rebound. I blame Leaf Iatollah Burke for this; he would not release Justin Bieber to Team Canada. “Oh, baby! baby! baby”! we could’ve used his wrist shot in those final three minutes, not to mention his “cannonating, scintilating and blistering” blasts that he could’ve “negotiated contact” with an “alarming degree of tenacity!” Wazzat?

If you’re wondering, yes, I am writing this as I wait for the O.T. of CCCP and Sweden……..I mean, how could I post this one in without finding out who wins the Gold? I know who won the Bronze…….cause TSN gang keeps telling us……..over and over and over…….just kidding, TSN once again did a **** job (as usual) and play-by-play guy Gord Smith is turning into one of our best, if not the best. Ya hear that, Jim “SHOT! SAAAAAAAAVE! LOUUUUUONGO!” Hughson?

Okay, it’s over, Sweden wins Gold, guy who scored has almost same name as Iran’s wacky President (you Google his name, okay?) The Russian coach ees not vun happy comrade I would venture to say. Doesn’t he look like one of the famous Lee Brothers? You know, “Uglee”, “Homelee”, “Beastlee”, “Ghastlee” and don’t forget “Dastardlee”, eh? The best Russian I thought was Kuznetsov, whose dad is, yeah, you guessed it, a Moscow butcher (ya might have to get that one on your own, readers, we can’t show slides in this website, eh?)

Can’t wait for Coach’s Corner this Saturday with Grapes’ “reaction” to Swedes’ victory. Try to count the various shades of red on his face……..”chicken Swedes?” Pense pas! Can you just imagine if we could skate only 50 per cent as well as the Swedes, Russians, Finns, etc…..to go along with our heart, determination, and distinct Canadian skill? TABERNAC!! WE’D NEVER LOSE ANOTHER GAME!!!!!

Oh well, we Hosers are good sports………well, aren’t we? We will go to Russia next year for the WJC Tournament and we will bring along a “special tactic” to confuse the Russians, Swedes, Finns, Yanks, etc…….yes, we will have Paulina Gretzky tweeting all the opposition with some suggestive photos and messages during the intermissions of the medal games…….yeah, that’ll do it!! Go Team/Equipe Canada, eh?

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Your correspondent Craig “Frenchie” McFarlane is a professional comedian/slash/comedy writer/slash/producer/slash/after-dinner speaker (end of slashes, and it’s about time!!) “Frenchie” also runs The Comedy Pro Shop Agency in Toronto and is available along with his top comedy pals for all “live” events, golf tournaments, sports celeb. dinners, roasts, corp. Xmas parties, etc……(www.frenchiemcfarlane.bravehost.com)