Laugh Lines: Mushrooms and Wings, Skills and Beer

Written by Craig “Frenchie” McFarlane, Special to AllHabs.net

TORONTO, ON. — Not sure about all you Habs Nationites out there, but I’m still on “Cloud 9” from last Wednesday’s shellacking of the Red Wings 7-2! Too bad the season could not have ended right there and then, and we get a “bye” into the playoffs and meet the Leafs in first round, best of 7? No, I’m not on my medicinal weed, I’m just eternally optimistic… or, maybe just un petit spoiled from previous 24 Stanley Cups?

My lady had served me a fab steak smothered with “shrooms” while I watched them whack Detroit, but then after the game with the score 7-2 I had to ask her where she got the “shrooms”? Maybe from the B.C. mainland? More good news? Sure! Rene Bourque said his first five Francophone words after netting his first goal for Les Habs,”Tabernac! un bon shot, le”! Eat your heart out, Le Journal de Montreal department de sportif! At the end of the game someone at Le Centre de Bell threw an octopus on the ice or was it a X-L “Cammalleri”? I mean “Calamari”! Excusez-moi pour “Le slip Freudian,” eh?

Did ya notice Bolts’ GM Stevie Y at the Habs – Leafs game at ACC last Saturday? Hmmmm, checking out PK? Yzerman is lucky that he did not check out Subban at the Red Wings game at Le Centre de Bell a few nights later; he would’ve had to check him out in the restaurant. Yes, PK was on KP duty after coaching staff benched him for “indifferent play.” Got a feeling “Bob Lite” will trade PK to Bolts if only for all their Francophone players and coach too!! Yeah, that’ll get him an invite to this year’s Le Journal de Montreal annual picnic, eh? Never mind the cap hit (i.e. $9-10M for Lecavalier, another $6-7M for St. Louis.) But hey! What’s another $30-40M when the last two Smurfs are costing un autre $60M? Just decrease the empties return back to .05c each from .10c, eh?

By the way, PK does fit into the “bleu, blanc, rouge” mold, okay? Ya got that, Messieurs Molson, Gainey & Gauthier? In fact he’s the first Hab that also fits into the “bleu, blanc, rouge et noir” mold, and that’s the way we want it, capiche? I travel all across Canada for my “live” gigs, and amongst Hab fans he is an “UNTOUCHABLE!” So, touche pas, eh? Ya wanna “touch” somebody up? Try that Andrei “David Copperfield” Markov guy up for some of his “unearned” $16-17M, or perhaps “No-Go” Gomez’s remaining $20-25M? A quick queston for Habs Management: so who do you think won the Kostitsyn vs. Grabovski thing? if ya say the former, then I got a piece of property in downtown Minsk ya might be interested in. And, that’s when ya bring back those “barber pole” jerseys too, eh?

So, how’d we all like the All-Star Weekend? My top moment came on Sunday, when OPP Constable Lyndon Slewidge sang “O Canada;” he is the very best in Canada! That includes that “greasy long-haired” Sasquatch look-a-like in Vancouver. And, why is Constable Slewidge still a constable? Shouldn’t he be a Sargeant by now? The Governor General “Foot Guards” were pretty hot too! Who sponsored them, Tinactin? Or Dr. Scholl’s? Constable Slewidge is Ottawa’s answer to our late and great Roger Doucette. I still tell the odd U.S. hockey fan that the latter is buried six feet under the penalty box at the old Forum. Hey! After 2-3 of our “Canadian beers” they’ll buy anything!

I made a few notes in the Skills Competition, and here they are:

1) Accuracy shooting: who else but “Bob Lite”? Nobody “shoots it” like “Bob Lite”, eh?
2) Passing skills: passing the puck? Uhhh.. no, sorry, “Bob Lite” was entered in the “passing the buck” contest!
3) Hardest shot: Zedeno Chara at 108.3, but Le Journal de Montreal department de sportif came in a close second with their “shot” at coach Cunneyworth!
4) Elimination shootout: Uuhhhh.. we talkin hockey here? or the GOP Presidential candidates in the upcoming Florida Primary?
5) Fastest skater: without a doubt, Michael Camalleri, from the “Baaastin Gahden” ice to the team hotel, to the “Baaaastin” Airport, to the Calgary Airport tarmac, to the new team hotel.

The procession on the Rideau Canal with Leaf fans, Sens fans, Habs fans, and others too pushing the Stanley Cup. Leafs fans kept asking the media: “What exactly are we pushing? We’ve never heard of this Stanley Cup thing back in Toronto, eh?” Hey Toronto! that’s nothing, just wait ’til July and August, then you’ll see Big Jean, Guy, Yvan, Larry, Serge, Guy (Lapointe) “Pocket-Rocket” el als actually “walking on the Rideau” carrying the Stanley Cup! Am I pandering here, Hab Nation?

Did ya all see “Commish Gordon” (AKA Commish “Bobby Bittman”… or is it Gary Bettman?) at the game wondering out loud once again: “Somebody please tell me how that offside rule works once again?” PS: Just made my PRO-LINE OVER/UNDER bet for both the NHL All-Star Game & the NFL All-Star Game: I took the OVER (85.5) in the NFL game… uhhhh… no, wait a minute, that was the OVER/UNDER in the NHL game! Actually, it went up to 91.5 when Vegas found out that Patrick Chan was playing for Alfie’s “Swedish Selects” & other European team.

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Your correspondent Craig “Frenchie” McFarlane is a professional comedian/slash/comedy writer/slash/producer/slash/after-dinner speaker (end of slashes, and it’s about time!!) “Frenchie” also runs The Comedy Pro Shop Agency in Toronto and is available along with his top comedy pals for all “live” events, golf tournaments, sports celeb. dinners, roasts, corp. Xmas parties, etc……(www.frenchiemcfarlane.bravehost.com)