Laugh Lines: Time for a Fire Sale to Clear Deadwood

Written by Craig “Frenchie” McFarlane, Special to AllHabs.net

TORONTO, ON. — Okay! The party’s over! Halak blanks les Habs 3-0, stops all “19 shots”!! Ouuuuu!! What a “bombardment of blistering blasts!!” Half of the Bell Centre empty with five minutes to play. Guess it’s time for “un grand vendu” (Au Bon Marche style?) of “le deadwood?” Campoli on the way out? Hall Gill aussi? What will “Bob Lite” get for him? Jerome Giraffe on skates? “Bob Lite” thinks some playoff teams will be looking for a “stay at home” defensemen? Yeah, right, Gill looks more like a “stay on his Laz-y-Boy.” Slow? He makes former Leaf/Senator Brad Marsh look like Canadian Olympic Gold Medallist Jeremy Wotherspoon!

Who else is “on the market?” Let’s hope all three smurfs are! There’s a huge combined savings of some $50-60M left on their bloated contracts, ça c’est correct? More? Less? Who cares? There’s a slew of playoff-bound teams ready, willing and able to take a chance on these three overpaid underachievers, and also a slew of draft choices available for them! Remember former NFL coach Jim Moira sage words a few years ago? “Playoffs? Playoffs? what the *&^% are playoffs?” And why not say “Bon Voyage” to Kab Kaberle and his remaining $12M? Ditto maybe buy out “CSI Miami” Markov’s $15-16M remaining ransom? What’s wrong with “50 rubles on the dollar, comrade?” Ya won’t get that kind of deal in the KHL! Do the math mes chums, we’re north of $80-90M here in cap savings…Tabernac! Dat’s a lot of Molson empties, eh?

Talk about monumental “busts!” And definitely not to be confused with those immortal busts of “Rocket” Richard, Jean Beliveau et Guy Lafleur outside of Le Centre de Bell either! Look at the Oilers and their draft choices accumulations in past 3-4 years; so they live in the basement for a few years. Who cares?

Certain Quebec media types say they have proof that 75 per cent of “their fans” say that a Francais speaking coach and more Francophone players are more important than winning, n’est-ce-pas? Les Leafs have been playing that game since 1967…uhhhh…non! non! Excusez-moi, let’s not go there, eh? Je suis kidding, eh? non! non!

Kudos to AllHabs.net editor Rick Stephens for a piece this week on the recent “protest” re Randy Cunneyworth appointment as coach of Les Habs. My old Montreal pals tell me most fans (those with paid tickets, that is) were telling the protestors in no uncertain terms: “Bouge, mon chum, bouge, je suis tard pour le puck-drop”!! Away! away! A lot of them were protesting that there was too much Anglais music being played in Le Centre de Bell, plus too many bilingual announcements, and not enough Quebecois players on the team! Well, I have been to a few Habs games there, and I heard a lot of Elvis hits en Francais, like “L’hotel Artbreak”, “Le Chien d’hound “, “Tout shook-up”, “Le Hawaii Bleu”, and mon favori, “Les souliers de bleu suede”!!

Why, didn’t we hear GOP Presidential candidate Mitt Romney also speaking a little Francais Tuesday nite at his “O’Doul’s laden” victory party in New Hampshire? “Je suis tres content avec la victoire ici dans New Hampshire…uhhhh…no, wait a minute, that was coach Cunneyworth last week speaking his first words en Francais, “Je suis tres content pour Lars!!” (four buts et one assist!) Can’t wait for Carey Price to say a few “bon mots” en Francais; when he was asked a question en Francais last week he apologized that he was not francophone. Next time he might ask the interviewer if he can speak his two languages, B.C. native and “horse whisperer?” Can’t we all just get along? Perhaps it’s time that for all to know that Carey Price is here in Montreal to “stone” the opposition shooters, NOT for Rosetta “Stone” language courses?

We hear that Les Habs are relieved that they won’t have to play against Bruins’ Brad “the Rat” Marchand on Thursday (five game suspension for him) in “Baastin” this Thursday. Ya know, they won’t have to take any of those painful “rabies prevent” shots, eh? Is Marchand the new Ken “Rat” Linesman of the NHL? Ya know, sometimes I feel that Brad “the Rat” should wear a condom over his head, if he’s gonna act like one, he may as well look like one? Hmmm…didn’t Marchand have a cameo role in the movies “Ben” and “Willard?” And didn’t he play a chef in Disney cartoon, “RATATOUILLE”? Even looks like that “rat” Marchand!

Had to applaud Canucks’ coach Vigneault’s comments re “the Rat”: “He’s gonna get it!” Too bad he can’t do the Cagney impression along with his statement: “Marchand, you dirty rat! you dirty, dirty rat!!” “You’re gonna get yours, uh-huh, uh-huh, you dirty, dirty Blue-Noser rat”! For once, Leafs Iatollah Burke is right about “rats” in the NHL! Marchand never has to fight for himself, yes, he has his own Bruins “Bully Squad”, “Puke-ic” Lucic, (isn’t he an ugly human being?) Thornton, and of course, ‘ol “Coochie-Coochie” himself, Charo. And, take a good look at their “animal fans” banging against the plexi glass when there’s a fight! Ugh! Uglier than those Jersey Shore scumbags! How did Dr. Morgenthaler ever miss them? Ya now see what happens when first-cousins marry?

How bout that YouTube with Grapes “playing the piano” as he bangs his desk with his fingers? (sort of like those “Bassstin Gawdin” animals banging the plexi glass?) We’re not sure if he wants to “tickle the ivories”, or “pickle the ovaries?” Oh well, if he’s gonna try and look like Sir Elton John and Liberace, he may as well try to play the piano like him!

Heard that the over/under for Sutter Brothers “smiles” this Saturday when Darryl brings in his Kings to play his brother’s Flames is 0.5! And someone tell us who is picking the East NHL All-Stars starting lineup? Four Senators? Four? Not even “Steve” Harper appoints that many Senators! Scotiabank ballot box stuffing anyone? Or did the Chicago Daley Family Democratic Machine partner up with those Florida “dimples and chads” stuffers from the 2000 “Dubya” Bush/Al Gore fiasco? And, only one Leaf? Just wait till HNIC hears about this! What? pas des Habs? Un autre “humiliation”?

PS: can’t we all just get along? SVP?

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Your correspondent Craig “Frenchie” McFarlane is a professional comedian/slash/comedy writer/slash/producer/slash/after-dinner speaker (end of slashes, and it’s about time!!) “Frenchie” also runs The Comedy Pro Shop Agency in Toronto and is available along with his top comedy pals for all “live” events, golf tournaments, sports celeb. dinners, roasts, corp. Xmas parties, etc……(www.frenchiemcfarlane.bravehost.com)