Laugh Lines: Leafs, Habs to Meet on the Ice, then the Greens

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(Photo: ANDRÉ PICHETTE, LA PRESSE)

Written by Craig “Frenchie” McFarlane, Special to AllHabs.net

TORONTO, ON. — This just in… “acting GM” Geoff Molson… no, I’m kidding, “acting GM” (’til June anyway) “Bob Lite” (AKA “Caspar Ghostier”) has just announced a trade for the new “beer line” for les Habs (in Toronto they’re called les “Hab-Nots.”) This line will be great for beer sales in Centre de Bell: Matt “Moulson”, Eric Brewer & “Ales” Hemsky… hmmmm… wonder if Karl “Lager”feld can skate? To be honest, “Bob Lite” told us he was trying to make trades for better players, but the teams in AHL, ECHL & QBL (Quebec Beer Leagues) did not want any of his Habs! If you’re wondering Les Habs did have a “war room” for the Trade Deadline Day, but only for this season’s “wounded” victims, both mentally and physically!

Can we now put a stamp on “Le fin de freres Kosytitsin” era? And we read that Habs draft team passed on Claude Giroux to get to “Brother Andrei” K.? Can someone tell me what they were smoking back then? and could someone get me “6 plants” of that stuff, “6 months inside” or not? Talk about two ungrateful mooches! Ya know, if the Broadway hit Les Miserables ever returns both brothers should audition for the part of Les.

(Photo: ANDRÉ PICHETTE, LA PRESSE)

Wonder how Leafs and Habs will greet each other on the last Saturday night game on April 4? 5? How bout “FORE”? Bet ya a dime to a Tim Orton donut both power-play definitely will be playing the points with their “2-woods?” Leafs also in a terrible slump; President/GM/Iatolah Burkey had to ask Mayor to cancel the “Parade” come “3rd week in June,” and the City of Toronto Tourism Department is now advertising their new “red-light” district. Yeah, behind the Leafs net at ACC!

Computer nerds now say that Les Habs have a 3.9 per cent chance of making the playoffs; almost as good odds of Newt “The Old Coot” Gingrilch, Mitt “The Twitt” Romney, Rick “Sanitarium” Santorum, and Ron “Ru Paul” Paul beating President O’Bama in November (note to editor: the apostrophe is mine in O’Bama, he will use it on March 17 when he sings “Danny Boy” for the Irish Rovers Concert at The White House) And, speaking of the President, if he wants to “sing the blues’ again, invite him to Le Centre de Bell; there’s 21,273 who will join him… 41 times a year!

There’s no “Sweet Home Chicago” here, Mr. President, maybe “Sweet Home Chibougamou”, maybe “Sweet Home Chicoutimi”, and I do know that the President has one for their power play, “Sweet Home St. Louis de Ha-Ha”! Hmmm… maybe Habs’ management should bring in a Roy Orbison impersonator to sing a more appropo song for them and their fans? How bout “It’s over, it’s over, it’s ooooooooooover, it’s ooooooooooooooooooover”!

Coach Cunny quote: “quitting is not allowed on this team! oh no? how bout “dilly-dallying?” “hiding?” “slacking?” “fabricating?” “rolling over?” “denying?” “despairing?” and the worst, “UNNECESSARY *&^%$#@ PINCHING” by leadfoot defencemen! Not to mention the GM again, but isn’ t he taking team “overhaul” lessons from Blue Jackets’ GM Scott Howson? Or, maybe the Habs’ GM is taking lessons from Winnipeg Jets’ first year successful GM Ken Cheveldayoff? Yeah, just watch Gauthier “shovel it on his day off!” (note to editor: I’m stretching here a bit, aren’t I? oh well, it’s only satire, eh?)

Sure hope that nobody took any time off their regular day job just to watch Trade Deadline Day on TSN/Sportsnet/Score etc? Ugh! I’ve seen more excitement during a Canadian Senate afternoon nap! TSN achor “Dutchy” described it as “BORING!” “LETHARGIC!” I switched over to a movie on PIX, “Sleepy Hollow!” Only excitement I saw was Igor Larionov’s “10” daughter, Alyonov with her social media reports. By the way, how do you say “HOT” in Russian? I would’ve “traded” for her waaaay before the deadline! She’s so much easier on the eyes than McGuire, or Duthy (albeit he’s best host on Canadian sports TV) or that “insider” guy, “Dreggers”… why isn’t she on TSN more often? How ’bout moving Dave Hodge and his hair outa there and let her host that Sunday AM show, “The Reporters?” Hodge’s hair hasn’t moved since the last Leafs Stanley Cup victory in 1967…or was it Confederation Year, 1867?

It must’ve also been tough for all those “talking heads” on the various (3? 4?) panels with their Blackberries and iPhones going off constantly with “nuttin'” to report! Maybe that’s why reports of fleets of “18 wheelers” full of Red Bull were seen on Sunday doing “deliveries” to TSN/Sportsnet/Score, etc. What they needed was some old-time music to keep them awake? Like Everly Brothers “Wake-up your Little Snoozie, wake-up?” Then, around the end, about 2:55 we got the news of the biggest trade, yeah, “Bob & Ted had traded for Carol and Alice!” (note to editor: can’t help it, these movies are February “specials” on Net-Flix!)

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Your correspondent Craig “Frenchie” McFarlane is a professional comedian/slash/comedy writer/slash/producer/slash/after-dinner speaker (end of slashes, and it’s about time!!) “Frenchie” also runs The Comedy Pro Shop Agency in Toronto and is available along with his top comedy pals for all “live” events, golf tournaments, sports celeb. dinners, roasts, corp. Xmas parties, etc……(www.frenchiemcfarlane.bravehost.com)