Laugh Lines: Rehab, Diction and White Socks

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Written by Craig “Frenchie” McFarlane, Special to AllHabs.net

TORONTO, ON. — This just in… “rehabbing” (snicker, sneer) Habs defenseman “Marky Mark” Markov skated last week, but unfortunately only in cheese-cutters and on sheets of ice cubes from a local pub. But seriously ladies and “genitalsmen”, he IS PROGRESSING, eh? And, while we’re at it, no more “Moening” about Travis, eh? We’re still hearing that old similar refrain: “wait till next year”… hmmmm… ever wonder if he and his agent have the cojones and the chutzpah to ask “Bob Lite” for an “extension” into the 2018-19 season?

Another Maple Leafs pasting last night…ouch! Habs only six points behind now… it could come down to last Saturday game of schedule at Bell Centre vs. Leafs.

On the subject of Burkey’s Leafs the parent MLSE is now fighting the Ontario government over a $3 million tax assessment over freebie tickets to Leaf games (but “not” for Habs’ visits, eh?) concerts, lacrosse games, Raptors games… really? People would actually accept them? He has even threatened to raise ticket prices for platinum seats ($350 PP) up to $550-600, and his next threat (if the government does not back down) is to move the franchise to Quebec City, Seattle, Las Vegas, or even, “horreures”, Hamilton!

Will someone please explain to 6’2″ 215 lb. Rene Bourque that he should not be playing like a 5’9″ 165 lb. Davis Desharnais? Wonder if he could go into a corner with a dozen eggs, and then when he comes out see how many are broken? Talk about “soft”! He’s getting close to “Kottonelle Kaberle” soft!

Are all these guys playing to be traded on February 27? Hey guys! Nobody wants yas, okay? Nobody! Make like the late Frank Sinatra during his “Rat Pack” days in Vegas, will ya? HIT SOMEBODY FOR CHRIST SAKE! Thank God “Scammalleri” is also dying out there in Calgary, yes, or else there’d be another black mark on the “Gauthier era”, eh?

Will somebody at HNIC please explain to play-by-play guy Jim “SHOTTTTTT! SAAAAAAAAVE! LOUUUUUUUUONGO!” Hughson than the final “c” in Louis Leblanc’s surname is *&^%$#@ well silent? And, not as in “LEBLONK”? Wonder how he’d like his silent “g” in Hughson to be pronounced as in “HUG”SON? And, ditto instructions to his color man, Craig Simpson. Would he like to be called ‘Homer?’

Perhaps bring in World Championship figure skater Patrick Chan to help us with our power-play, i.e. his “triple lutz”, not our current power-play “triple klutz!” Maybe explain to “Kab” Kaberle that the Christmas “giving season” is over, and stop playing for the other team, okay? It must be a terrible burden to realize that the former Leafs team (5 years no playoffs!) got rid of you, and now we all know why! And, for just once, “CZECH” SOMEBODY, WILL YA?” At the going rate, it’s approximately two “CZECHS” for $4.5 million!

Hey there Aaron Palushaj! I see you got called up again last night. Whisper us the name of your Hamilton tailor, will ya? And, oh yeah, congrats on your first point in NHL! But jeez! Too bad those accompanying “Hamilton style white socks” look does NOT GO with your “Dead Men Wear Plaid” suit, eh? I heard that even Stevie Wonder had to shield his eyes from his TV set! If you’re gonna stay with the big club in Montreal, ya gotta realize that Montreal is definitely 100 per cent “European Cosmopolitan”, eh? Not “Hamilton/Schmamilton” cosmo, okay? You WILL NOT GET LUCKY in that suit anywhere in Montreal, not even in Winnie’s, not even in Magnon’s, not even in La Chez Paree, even with a bucket of c-notes! Dump the Hamilton Goodwill specials, will ya?

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Your correspondent Craig “Frenchie” McFarlane is a professional comedian/slash/comedy writer/slash/producer/slash/after-dinner speaker (end of slashes, and it’s about time!!) “Frenchie” also runs The Comedy Pro Shop Agency in Toronto and is available along with his top comedy pals for all “live” events, golf tournaments, sports celeb. dinners, roasts, corp. Xmas parties, etc……(www.frenchiemcfarlane.bravehost.com)